Why collaboration is great and terrible at once, for some: A Self-Reflection Shared

Since beginning my PLP Program at SFU I have had work collaboratively with fellow students on several occasions. I realize this is absolutely necessary ("two heads are better than one"; my strengths can be complemented by the different strengths of others; etc.). I'm aware of the healthy social skills necessary for this process and believe that teachers need to model these skills in their own professional relationships if we are to expect the same from students in our classrooms and schools.
Nevertheless, coming back to university has brought back an old bundle of anxious feelings about group work. I started reflecting on this already last semester. I have really wanted to get to the bottom of it! In light of the readings we have been doing for this course I think I've honed in quite precisely on the problem:

Group work handicaps me because my natural 'preparation process' is "exponentially evolutionary."

What I mean is that I never develop an outline first and then stick to this outline, filling in the content with only small modifications before presentation time (or assignment hand-in). Instead I begin with preliminary planning and an outline, but what follows is often a disjointed process of extreme transformation, sometimes even a complete death and reincarnation of my work, before I reach a final product.

In general I find planning very uncomfortable, even on my own. This is one expression of perfectionism. If I am planning some project or lesson it irks me constantly when I feel it's too plain or uninteresting. I cant stand the feeling of carrying on planning a lesson that feels less than enthralling. If I were left to my own natural preparation process, then after thinking through my initial lacklustre outline I would start thinking of and trying out various creative alternatives. This would lead to new discovery of stronger material and delivery. This transformation is less like “adding flesh to the skeleton of an outline”, and more like “caterpillar goes into cocoon, butterfly comes out”!

Whether the new material is much superior to the initial scrapped outline might be debatable, but this is only one part of the process. I believe an even more important aspect is the psychological effect it has for me: radically changing my material, even doing this a few times, gives me a sense of freedom (unconstrained by anything inadequate) and confidence that I'm developing my best work. If I do not really believe in my content then I lack confidence and experience anxiety.

While this evolutionary process is natural and liberating for me, it is now clear that other learners work differently. Many people feel anxiety in almost the opposite conditions. A set outline gives 'Judging' people a sense of stability, confidence, and accomplishment. It is anxiety producing for them to see all this work scrapped and re-envisioned, perhaps a few times even.

In school I learned early on from the social dynamics of a working relationship in a group project, that I must surrender my learning and creative needs to accommodate to the dominant group methodology. Others are very uncomfortable with radical changes and it’s a logistical challenge to consult everyone else and come to consensus every time the group work train might change tracks. So I sacrifice my learning style and often feel very uneasy creating an outline with a group because for me it’s like sewing my own straightjacket. Consequently I produce less quality work in a group, I feel less confident about my work and more anxious, and I perform worse than when on my own.

Last semester I had a lengthy conversation with my mom who teaches nursing at VCC. She is a natural teacher and could sympathize with much of my experience, however unlike me she co-teaches a lot and is comfortable working so collegially. This gave me hope. I do not want to become a ‘lone wolf’. Yet neither can I lie to myself and ignore my optimum personal working style. I think perhaps if I found a ‘kindred spirit’, or even had adequate time to explain my learning style with a partner and reach a flexible and open compromise then I could feel better about group work and co-teaching. It is still a logistical challenge to make many revisions with partners’ agreement, but this is not insurmountable. Until then I will just have to continue to do my best under unpleasant and frustrating group-working conditions. Coping and adaptation strategies are familiar to any seasoned support assistant; I think I’ll manage.

Since last semester, I have learned to be more assertive about my needs at the beginning of a group project. I always suggest a period of coming together to collaborate, then diverging to do individual work, then coming together again to touch base, then back to individual work... (It's kind of like the breathing process: expand, contract, expand, contract). It's my hope that this can satisfy the structured, steady-as-she-goes planning that brings others peace and confidence, while I can do my "create it and burn it, create again from the ashes..." process on my own individual time. It seems to be working fairly well for me and my class partners so far!

I do hope sharing my own experience of collaboration here will be helpful for others who may not quite understand "people like me" in their groups! And who knows, perhaps others will see aspects of their own frustrations with collaboration in my story here, and feel a little kindred spark of self-understanding. :)

-Mark Northey